We are desperate to win "Best Decorated House" in this year's neighborhood competition. However, since we have NO decorations on our house -- and no plans to put any up -- I'm not sure if we'll actually pull it off. Well, I shouldn't say we have no plans to decorate. We have plans. Elaborate plans. Ridiculously elaborate plans. But so far no one is stepping up to execute those plans.
It all started when we began to see lights go up on our street and surrounding streets.
"We HAVE to win this year's competition, mom!" my daughter Kate said as we drove home from school.
"Yes," I said. "We must win."
Claire, who is only three, chimed in as well. "We won yast yeaw!" she recalled excitedly.
Kate and I exchanged glances in the review mirror. "We didn't win last year," I corrected her.
"We only had one TINY string of lights up!" shouted Kate. Clearly, we had opened an old wound.
"We tried to win!" I yelled back. "But it turned out that other people put more than one string up!"
"When is daddy putting yights up?" asked Claire.
Jack's recent speech to the kids flashed into my head. 
"He's not putting the lights up," I said. "We are on our own. And we have to go above and beyond anything you can imagine."
Silence as we all thought about the daunting task ahead.
Then Claire: "We need to take all the decowations fwom inside the house and put them OUTSIDE. Awso, we need to take the twee outside and the couch outside and the dishes and cups outside. Evwything out! Then we win!"
"No!" Kate shouted. "No, Claire. We need lights. Lots and lots and lots of lights."
"I don't want to put up a bunch of lights," I said.
"We nevah gonna win!" Claire cried.
"Not with that kind of thinking we're not," I said. "You have to think like a winner, Claire!"
"But mom, you have to put up lights if we're going to win," Kate pleaded.
"There has to be another way," I said.
Silence again.
Then Kate: "We could get a helicopter..."
"Yes," I said, nodding. "Go on."
"And Claire and I could go up with some parachutes. We could hold all our strings of lights, then jump out and float down through the sky. As we're floating down, we put the lights everywhere on our house."
"Perfect," I agreed. "That's perfect."
Kate continued: "Also, we need to move an 80-foot tree - one that's all decorated - right in front of our house."
"Good call," I said. "That's a nice touch."
"Maybe five trees!" Kate exclaimed, warming to the idea.
"This is how we will win," I said.
But, to quote this Jack Handey article, the plan isn't foolproof. Close to foolproof, yes. But not 100%.
The other problem, as I mentioned, is that we didn't assign any follow-up tasks. We just came up with a great plan, then went inside and ate dinner. Who is renting the helicopter and arranging for the pilot? Who is securing the 80-foot, pre-decorated trees? And who is funding all of this? I suppose these details will work themselves out. Maybe Claire already handled it. She's resourceful like that.
I would do it, but I'm too busy. Thinking about the plan.
Man, I can't wait to win.
1 comment:
Christmas is owned by Exxon, or Disney, or Gene Simmons. I think they own the trademark. We should't encourage rampant commercialism by decorating our houses for x-mas. But then again, I really like the idea od paying someone else to put up the decorations and then takem them down promptly. I can imagine catalogues and websites. There is money to be made.
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