It comes in a can, this tan

I have been self-tanning for nearly 20 years. I started back when "tan in a can" produced results like this:

BEFORE

AFTER

Actually, at first I didn't even apply the stuff to my face. I was too scared of the results. I would only apply it to my neck upper body. So basically, I went through most of high school and college looking like this:

Lovely. Later, when the products improved somewhat, I did start to experiment with facial application. But it was tricky business. If you didn't apply it evenly, the results were less than ideal.

Now, nearly two decades later, I'm pretty comfortable with the whole thing. I rarely have any mishaps. But there was one time... a frightening, frightening time... when things went horribly awry.

It was late at night. I was lying in bed. My hands were dry.

So dry.

I got up and stumbled to the bathroom. In the darkness, I groped around for the lotion. Where was it... Ouch! that was a brush. Toothpaste... toothbrush... strange unidentified object... aha! The lotion. I applied it liberally.

You know where this is headed. The "lotion" I thought I applied was actually sunless tanner.

Ooops.

It's a mistake that didn't look so good in the light of day.

Trying to look on the bright side, I wondered if I could start a trend. A fun, kicky, fashionable trend.

My "trend" idea didn't work, by the way. So don't try this at home.

Career Day

So my daughter’s class has been inviting parents to come talk about their jobs. This week, I stepped up to the plate.

There I was, sitting in front of 60 kindergarteners. A chatty crowd. A squirmy crowd. “A tough crowd,” I whispered to myself.

“My job is to write stories and draw pictures,” I announced to them. They seemed to settle down at this news, so I forged ahead. I told them about the projects I work on, etc. I talked for probably five minutes, then I asked if there were any questions. A boy raised his hand. “Yes?” I said.

“Can you draw Sponge Bob?” he asked. Immediately 20 other hands shot up.

“Can you draw him right now?” asked a girl. “Do you work for that show?” someone else demanded to know.

“Do you know Sponge Bob?”

“Do you write anything for Sponge Bob?”

“Is he in your book??”

I sensed that things were veering slightly off course. I tried to answer the questions and explain that, no, I had nothing whatsoever to do with Sponge Bob. A few kids heard me and seemed upset at that news. Mercifully, the teacher stepped in to thank everyone for listening.

I quickly escaped out the side door.

Later, my daughter Kate was dropped off from school.

“So?” I asked her. “How did I do today? Did your friends say anything about my talk?”

“I can spell ‘Kathleen!’” she responded happily.

“OK, but what did the kids say? Did they like hearing about my job? Did anyone say anything about it?”

Kate thought for a minute. Then she continued, “K-A-T-H-L-E-E-N!”

SIGH.

I bet if I worked for the Sponge Bob show she'd listen to me.

Guest Artist

Today we feature the work of guest artist Claire, age 3. Using the medium of "magnetic drawing tablet," she perfectly captured my facial expression when I was on the phone with Dell technical support.

Things That Happen #8 - Target Run

And then the mood in room K2 changed dramatically

In my daughter's kindergarten class, each student is asked to bring a "show and tell" item. The kids are supposed to put their item in a bag, then write three clues on the front of the bag. When it's time to share, you stand up, deliver your three clues and see if anyone can guess what you brought.

Pretty routine.

Until the day I was walking back to my car (having just dropped my daughter off at class). One of her classmates was skipping toward me, carrying a bag. "Is it your day to share?" I asked. The bag appeared to have something bulky in it. And... was it moving? I glimpsed one of the clues scrawled on the front of the bag: "It has many legs."

"It's my turn to share!" the girl replied merrily. "And this thing is ALIVE!"

GULP.

I don't know how to blink

The year was 1998. I was sitting in a small optometry office in Torrance, California. And my optometrist, Dr. Kobayashi, seemed concerned.

"You don't blink properly," he finally said.

I was somewhat surprised to hear this, seeing as blinking is an involuntary activity and all. Before I could react, Dr. K ducked out of the room, returning moments later with a mysterious pamphlet in hand. "Here," he said quietly. "This will help you."

Later, I reviewed it in detail. "If this program is followed explicitly, and you are faithful in your exercises, within a few weeks the partial, squinting blink will become a full, fluid, natural-appearing blink," the pamphlet promised.

Intrigued, I read on. What unfolded was a step-by-step guide for those who "desired an enlightened effort to practice blinking exercises."

I know, I know - this is *exactly* what you desire too! So here, my friends, is the "CliffsNotes" version of what I learned.

THE BLINKING EXERCISE

Step One: Relax, already!! Jeez.

Step two: Close your lids slowly and gently, in a fluid motion. Do not force it. Do not allow the eye to turn inward. Do not concentrate on looking ahead. And RELAX or you'll ruin everything.

Step 3: Pause. Learn the feeling of a complete closure of the eyelids. The pamphlet notes that a "hidden movement" of the eyes during the pause will be appreciated, if the exercise is performed properly.

Step 4: Open your eyes slightly wider than normal. Wider... wider... there.

Step 5: Pause again. Continue to look like a crazy person for three long counts.

Step 6: As the pamphlet says: "Repeat this exercise 15 times per day, or as prescribed by your doctor, with each practice period consisting of 10 correct blinks. Within three to eight weeks your blinking habits should improve greatly and you will then be placed on a maintenance program of five to six practice periods per day. You will be advised if any changes are required to assist you in becoming a perfect blinker."

IMPORTANT: The authors of the pamphlet warn that the exercises should not be done while engaging in situations requiring concentrated attention, such as reading or driving.

So there you have it, folks. If you think I'm making all this up, you are not only wrong, you are also an unenlightened blinker. Hard copies of this helpful pamphlet are available upon request. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to my practice.