Practicing air guitar

Back in the day, my friend Melissa and I used to be really good at air guitar. And air drums, come to think of it. Turn on an AC/DC song, and we would immediately begin strumming and drumming. We had dreams of forming a band called Helium.

It was a rewarding endeavor because it turns out that you can be really good at air music the first time you try. None of this "practice until you're better" nonsense. It's also way cheaper than playing an actual instrument. And, I might add, air instruments are very easy to care for and store.

In fact, when my kids get older and want to play an instrument, I plan to say: "You walk in my path and learn the fine art of air guitar and air drums." Then I'll perform a quick demonstration of my skills and they will be sold.

All this talk of air guitar reminds me of a card that I made last year. Here it is.

Rock on.

Here's a horrible idea

“I need a horrible idea,” you think to yourself as you sip your coffee. “I think I’ll visit Adrienne’s blog to get inspired.”

Reader, you won’t be disappointed. I have a truly terrible idea to share with you today. Disastrous, really.

It has to do with organizing your online photos. Or, rather, planning to organize them. Actually, planning to plan to organize them.

Here’s what you want to do: Spend a few years organizing your photos by the year and month that they were taken. Gradually realize that this isn’t working because you can’t remember when anything happened, so you end up having to search through 100 folders and sub-folders to find a picture you want.

Then decide to totally overhaul your organizing system. Your new system will be brilliant. Easy to navigate. Totally manageable. People will write articles about your New System for Online Photo Organization. An award will be bestowed. It will be that good.

Don’t actually come up with the new system, mind you. Just plan to come up with it.

Now, since you’re going to be switching to the new, yet-to-be-determined system, stop using your old system. Instead, go ahead and create a folder called “Need to Sort These.” Tell yourself this is a temporary measure until you work out the finer details of your new system.

Proceed to dump all of your photos into the “Need to Sort These” folder for the next 2.5 years. At the 2.5 year mark, create a sub-folder ominously called “More to Sort.”
Now put pictures into the “More to Sort” folder. But also put some in “Need to Sort These.” That way you won’t know which folder to check if you’re looking for a picture.

Proceed to store all your new photos in these two folders as you dream about your revolutionary, soon-to-be-unveiled New System.

This horrible idea is not working for me, and I’m sure it can not work for you too. Just give it a chance.

You're welcome. And good luck.

Day 5 of "The Lost Art"

We've learned a lot this week, my friends. We've journeyed far. And before we all head out for the long weekend, I'll leave you with just a few highlights from the high school notes I unearthed last Saturday.

After reviewing these treasures, I have gleaned three insights about my high school self.

1. Dramatic? Moi?
Well, you decide. Here are three short snippets from different notes.

"Only 11 more days of restriction. I don't know if I can make it. I just have to keep thinking, 'I'm almost free... I'm almost free..."

"Everyone says 9th grade is your best year. OH GREAT! Now my best year is almost over!!"

"What's up? Nothing much with me. Except I'm SO confused about EVERYTHING!!"

2. I was clearly very mature, and able to grasp the serious issues of the day.
Here's a note where I refer to the First Gulf War.

"I really hope our country can avoid war! I don't even want to think about nuclear warfare! That would suck. On a happier note, when is your boyfriend's formal? What are you wearing?"

3. I had a crazy social life.
In addition to watching a lot of TV (so many of my notes go on and on about The Wonder Years and Family Ties), I pursued extremely cool activities. Two excerpts:

"Hey, let's go get some AC/DC tapes and listen to them tonight! Then we can know what's up if we ever go to the concert."

"You know what we should do tonight? Go to Claim Jumper and eat fried cheese."

Hmm... wait a moment. That fried cheese idea might not be bad. And come to think of it, AC/DC *does* have some good songs. Anyone know where I can find one of their cassette tapes?

Day 4 of "The Lost Art"

Flex those fingers – it’s note-folding time!

When it comes to folding a high school note, techniques range from “complex” to “just plain crazy.” There is no easy.

Let’s take a look at some examples. The note below was folded using the “Rectangle With Triangle Tuck-Under” strategy. This was by far the most popular fold in my collection of notes.

Here we have a more advanced version of the same idea. The paper is a normal size (same as the note above), but it has been expertly folded down to a smaller rectangle. The triangle in the upper right is now tucked into the fold, not sticking out. A complicated maneuver, and very well executed.

The following example defies logic, but I can assure you it is real. This is the rarely seen “Ultra-Mini Rectangle With Triangle Tuck-Under.” Note its size in relation to a paper clip. Simply phenomenal.

Moving to an even more advanced level, we have the “Double-Sided Arrow.” People have been known to go completely mad while trying to achieve this fold. But when it’d done right (or even semi-right), it can be the accomplishment of a lifetime.

The next note was folded so well… so tightly… it has proven to be impenetrable. To this day, the note has never been read.

So how can you create a “complex” or “just plain crazy” fold? Follow these instructions.

Fold corners A and C into the middle of the paper.

Conduct a switch-back fold with F so it is in line with D, then loop that around to match up with the G2 plane. Create a double-back triangle in Zone 5, being careful NOT to disrupt the cone that is forming in the northwest corner of the note. Solve the equation for n, push lightly at the A/C corner fusion point, then immediately assume a Downward Facing Dog pose until steps 2 – 5 reconcile themselves.

There: An award-winning fold.

Tomorrow, we’ll end the week by looking at some highlights from my high school notes. See you then.

Day 3 of "The Lost Art"

Today we venture deeper into the lost art of note writing. As a reminder, we are focused specifically on High School Notes. And, to get even more specific, High School Notes Circa The Mid-1980s to Early 1990s.

From what I can tell, this topic has not been well researched or documented -- until now. Thankfully, I unearthed a box full of these relics and, through careful study, have become an expert.

So today: Writing a Note.

Here are the common elements I have observed in my high school notes. By linking these together, you can create a highly authentic High School Note Circa The Mid-1980s to Early 1990s. (Which is what you were planning to do today, I know.)

First: Write “Confidential!” across the top. Because if the information in this note were to fall into the wrong hands, the results would be devastating. Devastating.
Second: Write the recipient’s name with proper creativity and flair. Think carefully about how you will execute this step, for it will set the stage for the entire note. Here are some examples, starting with “beginner” level and moving to “advanced.”

Third: The opening line needs to be, “Biology sucks.” That will be its own paragraph. Then you will want to recap some romantic issues.

One common scenario: Someone was supposed to call someone, but didn’t. Now that other person is wondering what is up. Since he didn’t call, does that mean he has no feelings? But what about what he said to Jen? He told her to tell Kerry to tell you that he said “What’s up?” Maybe he’s still not over Lisa. But then why did he say “hi” in the hallway? What could “hi” mean?? (This matter should be explored and debated for at least a page.)

Once that horse is dead, pose a question. Such as: “Are you going to Priscilla’s party?” Then list out the clothing items/accessories you might wear to said party and ask your friend to circle the combination she likes best.

(As you write, remember to use plenty of exclamation points dotted with hearts.)

Fourth: Adorn the note with light decorations. A smiley face, flower or three-dimensional cube works well. Another idea is to write the name of a popular band. Be sure to do this slowly and carefully, so you stay true to the band’s actual logo.

Fifth: Leave at least a quarter page for your signature. It should be spectacularly loopy and include at least one heart. Here is a good example:

Sixth: It is imperative that you receive a note back, as soon as possible! Be sure to write W/B for “write back.” Better yet: W/B/S for “write back soon.”

Seventh: Close with a memorable line. Some popular examples include: “Hasta pasta.” “Call me tonight!!!” “Love you forever.” And “Gotta go – the teacher is coming.”

Congratulations! You have a note. Now comes the hardest part of all: folding it properly.

Tune in tomorrow...

Day 2 of "The Lost Art"

As announced yesterday, we are spending this week exploring the “lost art” of note writing. Specifically, high school notes, which are their own highly specialized phylum within the kingdom of “Notes.”

Am I expecting you to go out, write a note and pass it to someone in class? No. Chances are you’re not in high school anymore. But I am expecting you to read along, pay attention and be prepared for a pop quiz at any time. The art of high-school-note-writing must be documented, and that’s why we’re here.

Today: The Supplies Required to Write a Decent Note in High School

PAPER

White, “college ruled” paper is the safest choice, of course. But a smart student will also consider graph paper (if they are in math class), the back of old homework assignments or even the back of official school documents.

The latter two choices are not only “green,” they also help disguise the fact that you are writing a note. Hey, maybe you had more to say about Moby Dick, so you’re adding a few more paragraphs in longhand. Even though the essay has already been graded. (You’re that dedicated.)

Colored paper is a bolder choice, and adds a certain level of drama to the note. But the risk of being caught by the teacher increases exponentially. This paper is probably better employed during breaks and/or lunch periods.

PEN
You can go the safe route, with a pencil or ballpoint pen (in blue or black). But don’t underestimate the power of color. Purple, pink, green – these colors will enhance the reader’s experience. Even better, you can switch colors mid-note. One tool to consider is the four-color retractable ballpoint pen, which offers maximum versatility. You’re writing in blue one minute then, CLICK! switch to red then CLICK! green. It’s fun and productive all at once.

FRAME OF MIND

Finally, to write a good high school note, you will need the right frame of mind. A totally skewed sense of reality and a penchant for extreme drama is a good start. It does matter that biology is boring. And the world will end (it will!) if your romantic advances are rebuffed. This is true and this is real.

Tomorrow: Writing the note.

Exploring a Lost Art

I was rummaging around in my “save” box this weekend.

I was searching for an old picture of me and Tom Cruise. Actually, it’s a life-sized cardboard cut-out of him, but you can hardly tell the difference. Except he does look exceptionally shiny... Anyway, that’s not the point. I didn’t find the picture, but what I did find was a shoebox full of old notes from high school.

Whoa.

There are like 200 of them – and this probably only represents 0.01% of the total notes I wrote and received during that time. It made me wonder: Do kids still write notes in class? Something tells me they don’t. Instead, they just text message. Text, text, text.

So I’ve decided that this week will be devoted to the lost art of note-writing. Tomorrow, we will talk about “What You Need to Write a Good Note.” On Wednesday, we will craft a note. On Thursday we will cover the intricate art of note-folding. On Friday, we’ll review a case study, using one of my high school notes as an example.

My hope is that one day this tutorial will be featured in a high school text book, to inspire kids to stop wasting valuable class time text messaging and start wasting valuable class time actually writing on paper.

Until tomorrow...

Is note writing an art or a science? As we will see this week, it is both.

Fred

With his new "relaxed fit" khaki trousers, Fred felt invincible.

A Bike!

For Mother's Day I got a bike. This is not only good news for me, but for many residents of my neighborhood. Allow me to explain.

Kate likes to ride her bike to kindergarten, and of course I accompany her. It's about one mile away -- not far. But since I previously had no bike of my own, I was using my husband's bike. Now, Jack's bike is one of these ultra-complicated, 50-gear mountain bikes. Just looking at it totally intimidates me.

The trouble started the first time we rode bikes to school. Kate took off, and I was behind her, fumbling with the gears. I don't know what I clicked, but suddenly my legs were pumping at warp speed -- and I was barely moving forward an inch. I clicked some other lever and the situation further deteriorated. Now my legs were flying - round, round, round -- the pedals seemed to be in a free spin, totally unattached to the wheels.

"Kate!" I yelled, "wait!!" But she was still pedaling along, singing a merry tune.

A few clicks later I realized that I was doomed. For some reason I could not get the bike into a decent gear. I was going to have to ride in this crazy, pumping-like-a-maniac fashion all the way to school. What were people thinking as they drove by us and saw me pedaling at light speed, but barely progressing?

When we (finally!) got to school, I felt like I'd ridden 100 miles. Probably, I had done the equivalent. One of the dads was dropping his kid off and saw me struggling to keep up with Kate as we approached the school. He said, "What's wrong with your bike?"

"I can't... get it into... a different gear," I managed to say, between deep gasps of air.

"Didn't you use these?" he asked, pointing to another set of gears *under* the handlebar. No, I hadn't seen used those. I didn't even know they were there.

Sadly, even after this enlightening encounter, I wasn't able to gracefully ride Jack's bike. I don't understand how to operate the gears, so I'm clicking, clicking, clicking, and either pedaling way too fast or way to slow.

Those dark times are behind me now. For that I give thanks. As do my neighbors who no longer have to watch me pedal 1,000 rotations a second as I slowly... very slowly... progress past their houses.

More powerful than a locomotive...

Here's a cartoon I drew for a Mother's Day card...
Happy Mother's Day to all the super moms out there!

(Hmmm... I think you might need a magnifying glass to actually read the words. But you get the gist.)

Guest Artist

Today we feature the work of Guest Artist Kate, age 5 (but, as she is quick to point out, almost 6). The piece was created on white copy paper using Prismacolor pencils temporarily stolen from her mom's desk.

When asked about the inspiration for this drawing, the artist shared some thoughts. "This is what I will look like when I am older and have braces. Also, I am surprised."