Derek's Dream, Dashed

Time for another update from Hedger Corp.

Loyal readers, you will recall that the Hedger Corp. employees recently completed a week-long teambuilding exercise that backfired spectacularly. In the wake of this snafu, Derek was inspired to pursue one of his most cherished dreams: To seal himself off from his co-workers, so he would never have to see them again.

He sent away for a Build-Your-Own-Office construction set and could hardly contain his excitement when the package arrived.


The kit was more glorious than he'd imagined.

His spirits were high as he started working on a wall. But the other employees, equally intrigued by the construction kit, dabbled in their own projects. This disturbed Derek.

Also disturbing: Derek realized that building an office was way harder than he thought. Way. Indeed, it took him all morning to construct a small, fairly lame wall.

Frustration setting in, he decided to take a walk and clear his head. Unfortunately, he encountered Ann and Sue, who had not only stolen some Legos, but also possessed unexpectedly keen construction skills.

Spirits somewhat dampened, he continued walking. As he neared the breakroom, Derek was flabbergasted to happen upon Bob, who had built a charming bungalow.

In shock, Derek continued on. Just outside the breakroom -- in the best location of the entire office -- Techie Smurf was building a three-bedroom, two-bath house.

The modern design and open layout were inspired. The kitchen was to die for. The home was already up for sale, with multiple offers.

Seeing this, Derek officially lost it.

Several hours later (after Derek managed to compose himself), the staff tried to console him by making a big fuss over his little wall. They applauded and spoke of the wall's beautiful colors and interesting architectural lines.

Even though Derek knew they were probably lying, his spirits were somewhat lifted. It was a nice wall. And later, after everyone left for the day, he would be using it to crush the other structures. He felt better already.

Me and My MBTs

A few days ago I bought some MBT shoes. Actually, the manufacturer prefers the term “anti-shoe.” I had to roll my eyes at that. Is anyone really going to say, “Hey, look at my anti-shoe!”

Anyway, the deal is that MBT footwear is supposed to give you a better workout when you walk. Evidently, regular shoes neglect your body’s supporting muscle system. In fact, they not only neglect these muscles, they openly scoff at them.

So there I was in the shoe store, trying on the MBTs. And I have to tell you, they looked weird.
They are big. And they have these huge, curved soles. It basically looks like your feet are wedged into two large foam eggs. Only less cool.

Undeterred, I bought a pair.

The next day, I laced them up, ready to go. They say that your first time walking with the MBT shoes can be awkward. The curved sole throws you off balance and you have to really think about each step. I found this to be true as I set out on my inaugural walk.

Progress was slow. And eventually my abs started to hurt. What the heck? I bent over, massaging my stomach.

I plodded along, bent over and stepping gingerly so as not to fall. With my weird gait, frizzed out ponytail, big glasses and even bigger shoes, I made quite a picture.

It was at this point that I ran into my friend and his four-year-old daughter.

I planned to explain my shoes to him, but I was momentarily distracted by his daughter’s necklace. It looked like one of those necklaces that’s made of candy.

I attempted to take a bite.

“I already tried that,” my friend reported. “It’s not candy.”

Darn. Then I remembered my shoes. “Check these out,” I said, and (with some difficulty) lifted my huge right shoe in the air.

He seemed mildly impressed.

But was he impressed with the advanced footwear or with the fact that I had actually ventured out in a pair of enormous, neon-white moon shoes? Hard to tell.

I explained the benefits. “They say that walking in these shoes is like walking in bare feet on sand,” I said. “A much better workout.”

A pause.

“You know you live at the beach,” he said.

Hmm. This was true.

“It would be pretty easy to go walk on the sand. In your bare feet.”

I thanked him for this informative and unsolicited insight, then I resumed my exercise.

As I trudged back up the hill to my house, I realized that even though I was progressing slower than a pill bug, I was indeed getting a workout. My muscles ached.

I thought about my shoes. Sure they were big. Egg shaped. Wobbly. But they were mine—unlike the beach, which belongs to everyone and their mother.

Could I go walk barefoot on the sand? Yes. But then my feet would be covered in sand. And I might get hit with a big wave or an out-of-control volleyball.

No, I preferred it this way—my feet ensconced in technologically advanced footwear. Stepping along the same path I’d taken for years. Looking like a slow but determined dork.

“You are the anti-shoe,” I told my new footwear. “And one day you’ll conquer the other shoes.”

Until that day comes, I’ll keep walking with my MBTs. And I’ll proudly tell passersby, “Look at my anti-shoe!” … as I lie on the ground, trying to recover from my exercise.

A reconsideration

Clyde started to wonder... were his shorts perhaps too short?

Attempted Teambuilding

It's been busy over here at Hedger Corporation. My employees recently attended a week-long teambuilding workshop.

Coach Kent arrived early last Monday morning, ready to lead an exciting and energizing seminar. He did some light stretching to prepare his body and mind.

I suspected that the employees would NOT like the idea of a teambuilding seminar. This is based on one time in the breakroom when they flat out told me, "We do NOT like teambuilding seminars."

So I had to trick them into attending. I told them there were donuts in the conference room, and they stampeded in there. Then I locked the door behind them. Looking back, I should have at least provided the donuts. At any rate, they were stuck. Ready to be infused with team spirit!

To get things going, Coach Kent engaged everyone in a timeless, mystical exercise: Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board. Employees lifted one another up, quietly changing "Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Light as a feather, stiff as a board."

Bob took a brief nap during his turn. And Grandma Bernice kind of cheated by using her walker to prop up Techie Smurf. Dan, as usual, held some great poses on the office furniture.

Then it was time for a challenge: Employees were asked to draw a picture that represented the word "teamwork." Dan shocked the group by bringing in his own paints and creating a lovely portrait of Mr. T.

For the next exercise, employees had to list the strengths of their co-workers. Bob was lauded for his ability to grow facial hair and the fact that he occasionally brings in donuts. That's pretty much where his list stalled.

At the end of the week, Coach Kent thought it would be a good idea to bring in a big cookie and have the group divide it evenly, using their newfound teamwork skills.

He was wrong. So very wrong.

Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure the employees are more anti-teamwork than ever. In fact, Derek sent away for a "build your own office" construction set, so he can seal himself off from the rest of the crew. More on that development later in the week...

Stu's Problematic Situation

Suddenly, Stu was overcome with horror. He had meant to use strawberry jelly, NOT grape! WHAT WAS HE GOING TO DO NOW?!

Bob: No Longer Poultry

It's Friday, which means it's time for an update about my office "employees."

As reported earlier on this blog, Gargamel came to the office in search of my intern, Techie Smurf. Unfortunately, Gargamel came across Bob and decided to turn him into a Chicken.

You may recall the scene...




While Bob was somewhat productive as a chicken, it was clear that we would need to turn him back into Bob. So I called the building security guy to oversee the matter.


After many failed attempts (at one point Bob was turned into a delicious-looking muffin), we finally had Bob back. But the spell wasn't 100% correct...


Ann was none too pleased about Bob's new look. Bob wasn't crazy about it, either, but he did like the Italian merino wool sweater. And the sensible black pumps were pretty comfortable too.

Luckily, Bob owns 20 identical gray suits -- and one was in his cubicle, so he was able to change. Meanwhile, the security guard wondered why the heck intern Dan was posing on the office furniture. Yeah, join the club, Mr. Security Guy.

Heads, Tails and Bodily Harm

The other night we were hanging out in the backyard and I asked Claire, my three-year-old, if she knew what a coin flip was.

Kate, my six-year-old, was only too happy to fill her in. I demonstrated how to flip a coin and I told her that she could choose heads or tails. Then she would win or lose depending on how the coin fell. She seemed fascinated by the concept. I said, “Go ahead and try it!”

I was picturing this:
But instead, she started winding up like a pitcher ready to throw a fastball.
Then she hucked the coin across the backyard.

I was like, “No! Don’t throw it! Flip it!” But she darted over to the coin, totally ignoring me. She picked it up and once again threw it with all of her might. “You’ll take someone’s eye out!” I shouted.

Claire has a surprisingly strong arm, and things were getting dangerous. The coin was zooming around ricocheting off of things. I could hear Kate shrieking at me.

Claire would not stop. She kept throwing, then running over to the coin and just hucking it in whatever direction she was facing. She even lost it a few times when it flew into the plants.

But she kept producing more coins.

Where was this supply coming from!? It was too risky to investigate. I just had to hope it would run out soon.

After a while, Kate started yelling out things that they could flip for.

“Let’s flip to see who gets to pick a TV show later!” she yelled. Claire would throw the coin then run to it and announce, “you win!” or “I win!” And Kate would call out something else to flip for.

Soon they were using the coin to dictate every move. “Let’s flip to see who opens the door to the house.” “Let’s flip to see who takes the first step inside the house!”

Just when I thought I’d have to ambush her, Claire lost her final coin. She shot it over the wall and it disappeared into our neighbor's yard.

I don't think anyone was seriously harmed. But, then again, I haven't seen the neighbor in a few days... I guess someone should go check. But who?

We'll have to flip on it.