No candy?

By the way, if you run out of candy tomorrow night, here's a post (from earlier this year) that explains what to do.

Good luck.

Nelson's Halloween Plan

Nelson was dreaming big this Halloween.

The beginning of the end

Two minutes later:

The Friday Five

Crazy week. Barely any time to draw. All I could do was sketch and color this number 5.

But it is a glorious five, isn’t it? If you study it in depth, you will find that there are many layers to this drawing. Deep meanings. Drink some alcoholic beverages, then stare at it. You’ll see what I mean.

But I digress. Because I drew this incredible number 5, I now have to create a post that has something to do with five. So here we go: Five of my favorite things.

In no particular order:

1. Music by Flight of the Conchords. In particular “Business Time” and “The Most Beautiful Girl.” Download it off iTunes. Listen closely. Enjoy.

2. Ikea Heights: A melodrama shot entirely in the Burbank, California, Ikea store without the store knowing. Brilliant.

3. The Shouts & Murmurs column in the New Yorker. Here is one of my favorites called This is No Game. Here's another called Thieves are Everywhere.

4. My 2010 Demotivator’s Calendar, purchased at http://www.despair.com/

5. Will Arnett. How great is he on 30 Rock?? I’ll tell you: SO GREAT. And what about Arrested Development, Blades of Glory, etc. etc. Here’s a quick clip of him as Gob the Magician on AD. I was trying to find a good clip of him on 30 Rock, but couldn’t. If you locate one, let me know.

So there you go. My favorites on Friday. Can I get a high five?

My wake-up call

Kids. They’re a piece of work, aren't they?

When they’re little, like mine, they like to wake up at completely inappropriate times. And the first item on their to-do list? Wake YOU up.

A typical scenario at our house unfolds like this: It’s early. Dark outside. In the haze of sleep we hear a distant yell. “It’s DAYTIME!” a far-off voice declares. "Daytime!"

We try to ignore it. But really, at this point I know I’m doomed.

Then we hear a big thud and the padding of little feet. Pad pad pad pad… the tempo gets faster and faster, then our three-year-old rounds the corner and shouts her exciting news.

Lovely.

I try to convince her that it’s NOT daytime, but she always times it just right. The sun is just beginning to rise. The proof is irrefutable.

My friends have similar tales to tell. In fact, I’ve illustrated some of them here – along with my plan for revenge. Take a look.

Also: I'm selling my alarm clock, since I clearly have no need for it. A low, low, low price, folks! And as a bonus I'm willing to throw in a baggie full of barely-used Miracle Whip.

What I learned about flying

Get out your pencil and notepad. I just returned from a quick trip to Phoenix, and I have a few insights to share with you.

Number 1
If you are flying Southwest, remember to print your boarding pass online. I totally forgot about this (I haven't flown Southwest for a while). So I arrive at the airport, stand in line and finally get up to the counter. "I'm not checking bags," I told the lady. "I just need my boarding pass."

She prints it and hands it to me. I was like "What's my seat assignm... ack!" I was in like group Z. And travelers, you know that with Southwest you need to be in that A group if you have any hope of getting a good seat.

Standing there, with my "You're a Loser" group assignment, it all came back to me: Everyone who flies Southwest goes online exactly 24 hours before their flight and prints the pass, so they secure the coveted A group (first come, first served). Anyone who doesn't do this is (a) and idiot and (b) out of luck.

Number 2
Did you know that the security process has been streamlined a bit? There is a special line for "Frequent Travelers" who are "Familiar With the Process" and "Can Get Through Security Without Causing Extreme Frustration to Those Around Them."

Then there's the line for "Everyone Else." The clueless folks who get all confused by the rules about liquids, ziplock bags and weapons.

I knew which line was mine.

Number 3

So with my triple-Z boarding pass, I was one of those sad sacks who has to trod down the aisle and try to figure out which middle seat to take (i.e. whose flight should I ruin?). Everyone is studiously avoiding eye contact because they don't want you to take that empty middle seat.

Hey - I understand. I've been that person too. But if you *really* don't want someone taking that middle seat, you need to do more than just avoid eye contact. If you step up your game -- even a little bit -- you will ensure that middle seat stays open. For example, you could try any of these strategies...

Crazy person:

Anger Management Issues:

The Pick: Note that you need to keep the pick going until EVERYONE walks by you. So it's a pretty outrageous pick. But therein lies its power.

So there you go. You've jotted all this down, now just put it somewhere secure. Good luck to you on your next journey.

Deception with Coffee

So you’re heading to the movies this weekend. And you’re thinking that it would be nice to enjoy a cup of Starbucks coffee while you’re watching the film. (I know! I’m reading your mind!)

Well, hold on, Bub. Taking coffee into a movie theater is not a simple matter. NOT AT ALL.

Read on – and learn from my story.

It was a Saturday. Two friends and I decided to get all crazy and go see a movie. We would definitely be out after 10:00 p.m. Maybe after 11:00 p.m.

Like I said: crazy.

So to help stay awake, we stopped by Starbucks on the way to the theater and ordered up our favorite drinks.

As we were standing there, something alarming occurred to me.

Sneak it in?? I was unsettled.

I should mention here that I take rules very seriously. Whenever I hear a new rule, my instinct is to follow it to the letter -- and never stop following it. (I know: Nerd alert!) Sensing my hesitation, my friend told me that she sneaks stuff into the theater all the time.

“When I take the kids to a movie, I bring my big purse and stuff it with sandwiches, chips, fruit, Tupperware, water, juice boxes, toys, blankets, pillows, books, aero-mattresses – everything!” she informed me. “And I always get in."

So fine – we would sneak the coffee in. Essentially, this means resting the coffee cup VERY GENTLY in your purse (men, consider bringing a European carryall). You have to position it just so—wedged between your wallet, keys, etc.—so it doesn’t spill.

We arrived at the theater and I situated my coffee. Then I realized: it is really hard to walk when you’re trying to balance contraband coffee in your purse. I was all hunched over, taking tiny little shuffling steps. Shuffle shuffle. Shuffle shuffle.

And I had to keep checking to make sure there were no spills or splashes.

My friends, who were clearly more advanced in these matters, were getting impatient.

As I inched toward the theater I started to think about what could go wrong. I was growing concerned. SO MUCH COULD GO WRONG.

Before I knew it, I was in front of the ticket guy. It was GO time. I slowly and unsuspiciously pivoted around so I was facing away from him. Then I reached back and handed him the ticket.

He seemed highly alert--like he might call the authorities at any moment. But I think my inventive move threw him off.

I hunch/shuffled my way through the lobby, into the theater, down the aisle and into my seat. Shuffle shuffle. Shuffle shuffle. Sit.

The deception had gone off without a hitch.

Or had it? That ticket guy was sharp – and even though I had acted calm, cool and collected, he still may have suspected something. Probably best to place the contraband under the seat in front of me and just forget about it entirely. I might miss out on some good coffee, but at least I would see my kids again.