Productivity Retreat

The Hedger Corp. employees have returned from a Productivity Retreat, and we bring you the official trip report.

This year's retreat took place in Hawaii, a location known for its workaholic ways.

Immediately after stepping off the plane, the employees were whisked to the Hedger Corp. Hawaiian office. There, they waited (and waited, and waited) in the open-air conference room for the Hawaiian employees to arrive.
Finally, they decided to pass the time by burying Bob. He was fine at first, but became alarmed when his co-workers made a move to bury his head.

Lucky for Bob, the Hawaiian employees arrived just in time to stop the live burial. Can anyone say "awkward meeting?"

The Hawaiian employees had prepared a "Productivity Demonstration," due to begin at noon. As everyone got situated, Sue and Guy stopped by the breakroom for some watercooler chit chat.

Meanwhile, Derek seethed with envy as he checked out the corporate car that the Hawaii employees enjoyed. He was so blinded by jealousy, he didn't notice the enormous pigeon sneaking up behind him -- or the fact that Lance had gone still as a statue.

Finally it was time for the Productivity Demonstration. For 4 hours straight, the Hawaiian team remained in the same position. Just lying there, thinking about productivity. It was pretty amazing.

Inspired, Sue tried the same technique poolside.

Derek and Bob gave it a go, as well. But they opted to float in the pool. Actually, Derek was floating. Bob (who has no idea how to swim) was slowly drowning.

Finally, someone tossed Bob a noodle. Once again, he had narrowly escaped death.

As all this was going on, Ann visited Nancy's office. She was floored by the view.

She thought about her own office back at headquarters and became deeply depressed.

One extra large Mai Tai, please.

Ahh... that's better.

As the retreat came to a close, I gathered my employees and reviewed all that we had learned.

Mahalo, Hawaiian employees, for teaching us the Ancient Island Method of Productivity. We may need to return for a refresher course soon.

Checking in with the employees

Last we left off, my employees had disappeared with several cases of Two Buck Chuck. Well, they finally returned about a month later. To whip them into shape, I am sending them on a Productivity Retreat. They will meet with the Hedger Corp. employees in the Hawaiian office and see how a REAL workplace runs.

Here they are, all packed for the trip. The Hedger Corp. company car is ready to take them to the airport. Unfortunately, the car is a bit small. I have no idea how they will fit all that luggage (and themselves!) into that vehicle.

Gee, it looks like they'll have to rely on old fashioned notions like "Teamwork" and "Out-of-the-Box Thinking." Good luck, guys. Your plane leaves in two hours.

[Stay tuned...]

Troubling.

A while back I wrote a post about a little-known magazine called Sisters, Pow!

It was a magazine that I created when I was 10. Or maybe 13. I really don't know. Anyway, the magazine was all about sibling rivalry. And it was a topic I took very seriously.

You can imagine the scene: Me, in my bedroom, hunched over my desk. Probably fresh off a fight with my little sister, Jamie (a fight I no doubt lost). So there I am, scribbling like a crazy person. Detailing the ways I would finally, finally get my sister -- and get her good.

In the link above you can find the magazine's Table of Contents, as well as a disturbing sketch of my "ideal fighting outfit."

Today, I will share more content from this potentially award-winning magazine (if I had entered it in any contests, maybe it would have won. We'll never know.)

This is content that, until now, no one has seen. Except for my parents, my sister and probably a mental health specialist.

I present...

Page 3: A chilling tale called "Who WILL Win?"


Allow me to reprint the story here. I left in any misspellings or grammatical errors. This is the real deal, people:

Who WILL Win?
I thought I was safe. I was wrong.

Peeking my head into the empty hall, I saw that I was safe, for the momment. In a few quick strides I was in my sisters empty room. Empty except for one thing... her. At first I didn't notice, the room was so dark! But then when I heard her voice... I froze.

"It's YOU. I knew you'd come!" she whispered harshly. The lights were thrown on and I noticed that she was pounding her fist into her hand... HARD! Then before I could even blink WHOOSH!!! I was flipped over her head and laying on the ground out of breath. As I struggled up to get her, she suddenly...

to be continued.

Yep. That's how the story ended. I was trying something new in the literary world - this whole "breaking a story off in the middle of a sentence." I don't think that style really caught on.

Anyway, later, on page 5, I share strategies for how to... well, the headline explains:


I won't subject you to all the ways. But here are a few -- in case you're planning to see your sibling this weekend and want to try some of them out.


Note: very important to have an "alaby."



This one says: "Go to where your parents can hear you, slap your arm and say 'ow' run back into where your sister is and get tangled up in her and your mom thinks she did it so she gets Busted!!!"

(Evidently, I was so excited by this strategy, I forgot to use periods.)

So there you go. More never-before-seen content from Sisters, Pow!

Clearly, I'm troubled. I have problems that go way beyond my inability to swallow rice or blink. But we all knew that, right?

I did offer up one intelligent bit of advice at the end of Sisters, Pow! "Fighting can be prevented by seperating your kids for the rest of their natural lives," I wrote. "But after that," I added ominously, "who knows?"