The Office Holiday Party

Last night was the big Hedger Corp. holiday party. Here's a look at what went on...

The party was a bit awkward at first. The DJ was way into it, though. Way.

Then the interns arrived. Now we have a party!

A stranger arrived as well. No one invited him. But he was wearing a tux and a nice watch, so we decided he could stay.

Even Hot Mailroom Guy made an appearance. Inexplicably, he was missing a hand.

With the music pumping, Sue, Grandma Bernice and "Guy No One Invited" engaged in a dance off.

Ann surveyed the cold coffee and day-old donuts. This spread has become a tradition for Hedger Corp. We serve it at every party.

With a bold and dazzling move, "Guy No One Invited" cinched first place in the dance competition.

As his reward, he was named Employee of the Month.

Bob wondered if it was the right time to give Hot Mailroom Guy his gift.

He decided to proceed.

Hot Mailroom Guy, who is actually NOT named "Hot Mailroom Guy" and, in fact, has never heard that nickname, looked at the gift and wondered what the heck was going on. Bob, meanwhile, was proud of the poster he created.

Things got even more uncomfortable when Hot Mailroom Guy's date showed up.

Elsewhere, Derek was surprised to receive a gift from Grandma Bernice.

He opened it and realized he should have corrected Grandma Bernice the first time she mistakenly called him "Brenda." But he didn't correct her, and it got all weird. Still, he never thought it would come to this.

Ann was dismayed to receive an enormous and breakable Santa from Techie Smurf. How was she ever going to get this thing home?

Sue, meanwhile, realized she didn't get ANY gifts for her co-workers. She tried to give Bob a poster she found lying on the ground.

Instead of bonuses this year, I decided to shower my employees with thousands of candy canes, which would rain down from the ceiling during the holiday party. The building shook as the candy canes were set free.

Unfortunately, I didn't realize the candy canes I ordered were made of lead, not peppermint confection. Most everyone was injured. The DJ, somehow spared from the onslaught, remained totally into the party.

Happy Holidays from everyone here at Hedger Corp. You would have received this picture printed and displayed in an expensive card, but it turns out no one owned that action item.

How are we ever going to win Best Decorated House?

We are desperate to win "Best Decorated House" in this year's neighborhood competition. However, since we have NO decorations on our house -- and no plans to put any up -- I'm not sure if we'll actually pull it off.

Well, I shouldn't say we have no plans to decorate. We have plans. Elaborate plans. Ridiculously elaborate plans. But so far no one is stepping up to execute those plans.

It all started when we began to see lights go up on our street and surrounding streets.

"We HAVE to win this year's competition, mom!" my daughter Kate said as we drove home from school.

"Yes," I said. "We must win."

Claire, who is only three, chimed in as well. "We won yast yeaw!" she recalled excitedly.

Kate and I exchanged glances in the review mirror. "We didn't win last year," I corrected her.

"We only had one TINY string of lights up!" shouted Kate. Clearly, we had opened an old wound.

"We tried to win!" I yelled back. "But it turned out that other people put more than one string up!"

"When is daddy putting yights up?" asked Claire.

Jack's recent speech to the kids flashed into my head.

"He's not putting the lights up," I said. "We are on our own. And we have to go above and beyond anything you can imagine."

Silence as we all thought about the daunting task ahead.

Then Claire: "We need to take all the decowations fwom inside the house and put them OUTSIDE. Awso, we need to take the twee outside and the couch outside and the dishes and cups outside. Evwything out! Then we win!"

"No!" Kate shouted. "No, Claire. We need lights. Lots and lots and lots of lights."

"I don't want to put up a bunch of lights," I said.

"We nevah gonna win!" Claire cried.

"Not with that kind of thinking we're not," I said. "You have to think like a winner, Claire!"

"But mom, you have to put up lights if we're going to win," Kate pleaded.

"There has to be another way," I said.

Silence again.

Then Kate: "We could get a helicopter..."

"Yes," I said, nodding. "Go on."

"And Claire and I could go up with some parachutes. We could hold all our strings of lights, then jump out and float down through the sky. As we're floating down, we put the lights everywhere on our house."

"Perfect," I agreed. "That's perfect."

Kate continued: "Also, we need to move an 80-foot tree - one that's all decorated - right in front of our house."

"Good call," I said. "That's a nice touch."

"Maybe five trees!" Kate exclaimed, warming to the idea.

"This is how we will win," I said.

But, to quote this Jack Handey article, the plan isn't foolproof. Close to foolproof, yes. But not 100%.

The other problem, as I mentioned, is that we didn't assign any follow-up tasks. We just came up with a great plan, then went inside and ate dinner. Who is renting the helicopter and arranging for the pilot? Who is securing the 80-foot, pre-decorated trees? And who is funding all of this? I suppose these details will work themselves out. Maybe Claire already handled it. She's resourceful like that.

I would do it, but I'm too busy. Thinking about the plan.

Man, I can't wait to win.

Fun (?) and Games

This week I got locked in a heated match of Rock, Paper, Scissors with Kate. She's only six, but she proved to be a worthy opponent.

Meanwhile, Claire (almost 4) was still trying to learn the ropes.

After many rounds, Kate called a time-out to make announcement.

"I have an idea," she said. "Let's add a new thing to Rock, Paper, Scissors."

I was intrigued. "Go on."

"PENCIL," she announced. "Rock, Paper, Scissors, Pencil."

I thought about it. "OK... How does pencil work?"

That's when she dropped the bombshell.

Whoa.

I considered this development. On the one hand, it would definitely help me. On the other hand, it definitely would not.

I decided to throw caution to the wind.

The game resumed in earnest, but quickly reached a stalemate.

This went on for about 5 minutes. Finally, Claire, who had been patiently practicing her rock, paper and scissor formation, had had enough. No one told her about pencil. She had not been practicing pencil. She was livid.

Fine. Fine. We pulled ourselves together and stopped the battle.

Sort of.

Clearly, it was time for a new game. Kate suggested Tic-Tac-Toe, which sounded innocuous so I agreed. I started playing with Claire. She wasn't really that good, but I let her win a few times. Every time she lost, it was like the world was coming to an end.

"It's not about winning or losing!" I told her. "It's just about having fun playing the game!"

But even as I said it, I realized that statement was a bunch of B.S. I mean, it's not like Tic-Tac-Toe is this amazingly fun game - something that is incredibly amusing to play.

No, the point WAS to win. That was all. So when it was Kate's turn to challenge me, I was ready. But after a couple rounds, it was clear that she knew her stuff. Really knew her stuff.

I studied her moves and realized that she was starting with the same three plays every time. And those plays virtually guaranteed victory in every game. It was like she had discovered the "pencil" -- the guaranteed win -- for Tic-Tac-Toe.

The pencil.

I would beat her at her own game, I decided. Yes, I'd been letting her start every game, but if I was going to copy her strategy, that had to change.

It was clear that she didn't like this idea one bit. A pause, then we both lunged for the paper, each trying to secure the coveted middle square.

I'm not going to lie. It got ugly.

Claire was completely disturbed.

So there we were, wrestling it out, with Claire sobbing next to us. Just some good old-fashioned family bonding time.

Here, I scanned the paper we were using. As you can see, this round of Tic-Tac-Toe didn't progress beyond the center-square battle. Kate was using the green pen. I was using the red.

Good times.

Good times.

The thing is, I know I could have beaten her if she'd just let me go first. But I guess I'll have to save that triumph for another day. In the meantime, I'm picturing it in my head. Over and over.

Hmmm... what's today - Friday? Well, I think I feel another Family Game Night coming on this evening. Mua ha ha!! Excuse me while I go practice...