And you call yourself a microwave

The first and most obvious problem is the time. Our "microwave" thinks we are living 13 hours in the future and we have NO idea how to correct this.

"Adrienne, why can't you just change the time on the microwave? Shouldn't that be pretty easy?"

I'm glad you asked.

Yes, it should be easy. But it's not. Because our "microwave" is not in fact a microwave; it is an Ultra-Complex Precision Cooking Calculationator. I made that up, but I think I'm pretty close. We inherited this device when we bought this house, and there is no owner's manual to be found.

If you want to warm something for, say, 30 seconds, you have to make it through six significantly confusing steps. By the time you've entered all the necessary selections, you can't even remember what you were heating in the first place.




Here, check out the main screen:


I get the "cook," "reheat" and "defrost." That's all normal enough. But "Pan Brown"? "Easy Simmer?" Aren't you taking on a little too much there, microwave?

One day, out of curiosity, I started clicking through the choices. I could not believe what I was seeing. I realized that this device doesn't want to just warm some unspecified food for 30 seconds. In fact, it finds that task totally annoying, not to mention demeaning. Instead, it wants to know exactly what you are cooking so it can precision time everything. On its own. Without you interfering.

For example, if you hit "Reheat" one of the choices is "Muffin." Hmm. Pretty detailed, but let's go with it. So you select "Muffin." Then it wants to know: Is your muffin frozen or fresh?

WHAT?

Are there really so many people out there trying (and failing) to reheat frozen muffins that the company decided this had to be a specific selection?

In case you think I'm kidding, here's a look:

I was mildly surprised it didn't ask "Did you make these muffins yourself or buy them from a store?"

I'm sure somewhere under the "More" selection you get to questions like: "What is your social security number and your online banking User Name and Password?" and "Do you really think you look good in that jacket?"

Truly, this device is something to behold. It got me wondering about how it was even created in the first place. I mean, honestly, what was going on in those concept-design sessions?

Sigh.

I guess we'll never know. The good news is, if I ever DO need to reheat a frozen muffin, I have the means to do so - very accurately. Until then, I'll have to keep trying to find the "set clock" function. I think it's somewhere between the selections for "Easy Simmer" and "Bring Peace to the Middle East."

Wish me luck. And let me know if you ever need to Pan Brown anything.